Thursday, July 22, 2010

Toy Story 3 ... and other sequels

I'm back fuckers!...I mean readers...I mean...whatever!
Toy Story 3 has been out for about a week now and writing a positive review is about as useless as pointing at the Sun and exclaiming in surprise "Oooooh! Shiny!", but then again personal-blog-movie-reviews are more or less the equivalent of utter uselessness, so I don't see why I shouldn't go on.

For those of you who read this blog (hahahaha, hihihihi, hahahaha, tears of laughter rolling down my eyes; I implied somebody is actually reading this blog) it should be by now pretty much clear that I love Pixar so much that if it would turn into a guy and ask me for a BJ I would actually hesitate a second before saying "No.", so expect this review to be a bit biased.

As usual the film kicked off with another film (a la "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"), a short one called "Day & Night", of which you can see an illegal copy here, and which reminded people why Pixar isn't just for kids. Humour, action and a serious message elegantly transposed, so as to not become too overbearing.

Then we moved on to our main feature. For those of you who don't know, the the Toy Story series is about a boy called Andy, or the be more precise about his anthropomorphic toys (that's when they talk and act like humans, dumm-dumm). Well, now Andy is all grown up and is moving to college. The toys are very unhappy because they haven't been played with for years, which, from what I've gathered, is the toy equivalent of having sex (one of the reasons so many adults can relate to them), and are not sure what their fate will be once their owner moves out. He decides to keep them in the attic, but through a series of unfortunate events they end up in a Kindergarden, where BAD things happen. What follows is a roller-coaster of humor, adventure and surprisingly deep emotions.

The animation is great (even the 3D is just a gimmick added just to keep in line with the competition), the voice-acting is spot on (we rejoin Tom Hanks and Tim Allen, and meet new castmembers such as Michael Keaton and Whoopy Goldberg, who should really stick to movies where she doesn't show her face...and has only a small part which doesn't allow itself to be turned into her blend usual performances), the writing is brilliant etc. The movie has been dubbed "the best third part ever", "the film which MAKES MEN CRY", it is the second best reviewed film on rottentomatoes, it popped right into the top ten list on IMDb (nr. 8). And there is a good reason for all this: PIXAR does things the hard way, they put effort into their films, into every detail from animation to characters and story development, which is why they only make about 1 film every 1.2 years, which is why it took fifteen years to get from Toy Story to Toy Story 3; they have that Disney essence from the 50s, when it wasn't just about the money. They care about quality and not quantity, which is why they don't churn out a new one every few months, relying on the idiotic public which will pay to see it despite the few laughs and not caring about the critical success like other studios with their franchises...ahem.

Which brings us to Dreamwork's Shrek Goes Forth, or 4ever After, or whatever fucking fairy-tale pun the came up with.
Last time we left the Ogre, he had just settled back into his swamp with his wife and three newborn kids, and for the third time all seemed well, and he was preparing for a happily ever after. But unbeknown to him the big evil dragon Studio-nickus was growing hungry for money again, and was plotting to get the once loveable but now dull and annoying ogre into a new adventure so stupid kids could be lured in and spend their parents money once again on overpriced movie tickets (because hey, it's 3D, how unexpected), dolls, toys, cereals, real-life donkeys imported from Easters Europe, cookies, happy meals and pretty much everything remotely similar to a donkey or the color green.
But alas, all plot threads have been resolved in the previous installment, whatever shall we do? Have him find out he is actually an alien and have him explore his home planet? Have Donkey/Fiona contact some deadly decease and have Shrek go for the cure? NO, I know! We'll have an alternate reality in which he hasn't been born, and him having to cope with it! Brilliant! Original! Not at all similar to "It's wonderful life" and hundreds of movies and TV-series since.

The movie is so predictable you'll feel like you are having a 90 minute deja-vu and that you are re-seeing every single fucking movie you have ever seen. The characters have become worn out and boring, there being nothing new they could say or do to amuse/entertain you; there are of course plenty of new characters, but even they can't save the show, not to mention to supporting cast of fairy-tale creatures which were delighting in the last ones has pretty much no screen time.

Everything the franchise had good in the first one has been lost forever: the story is lame, there are no special references and puns for adults to enjoy, come to think of it, there are pretty much NO puns; it's all become just an unmemorable comedic adventure animation flick for kids.

But hey, we all know you are going to watch it anyway, mainly because you've seen the first three and have by now forgotten how disappointed you were by the first two sequels; and to be honest it is somewhat better than the last one, and it does make you chuckle once or twice, which seems to be high above the standards of most animation films which have come out in the last few years; so by all means to let me stop you from illegally downloading it from this site.


  1. donkeys imported from eastern Europe...:)) and I'm actually looking forward to seeing the new Toy Story now! see, someone is reading this:P

  2. when the other shreks came out i saw a report about rich brits importing donkeys from romania bulgaria hungary for their kids.